


The Enterprise List (or 235 Things the Crew of the Enterprise is No Longer Allowed to Do According to Starfleet)

by notanightlight



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanightlight/pseuds/notanightlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are rules and regulations for all members of Starfleet, but they've had to make some new ones for the crew of the USS Enterprise.  They should help things run smoother... assuming the bridge crew doesn't take these lists as challenges!<br/>(Every good fandom needs a Skippy List or two!  Set in AOS with a few nods at TOS.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captain James T. Kirk

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【翻译】The Enterprise List (or 235 Things the Crewof the Enterprise is No Longer Allowed to Do According to Starfleet)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189628) by [notanightlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanightlight/pseuds/notanightlight), [炏燚 (kait)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kait/pseuds/%E7%82%8F%E7%87%9A)



> Now translated into Chinese by the lovely Kait! You can find it at this site: http://www.movietvslash.com/thread-182825-1-1.html

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has come to the attention of Starfleet that Captain Kirk may need some clarification regarding certain Starfleet rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, I have no beta, so all mistakes are mine. I am a pack of one.

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. My rank is 'Captain', not 'Supreme Overlord of the Almighty Enterprise.'

 

2\. I will not sign official documents that way.

 

3\. Neither will I introduce myself to new races that way.

 

4\. “Because you're stupid” is not proper justification for any order.

 

5\. Regulations are actually regulation, not "more like guidelines, anyways."

 

6\. Official policy is not “What the Admiralty don’t know won’t hurt them.”

 

7\. I do not have the authority to name newly discovered planets ‘Kirktopia’.

 

8\. I do not have the authority to name newly encountered races ‘Kirkians’.

 

9\. I do not have the authority to name newly identified animal species ‘Kirkophants,’ ‘Kirkosaurus,’ or any other Kirk-related name.

 

10\. If I keep submitting these names in official reports I will lose the authority to name anything.  Including “The little captain.”

 

11\. I will not mute transmissions from my superiors so I can mock them behind their backs.

 

12\. Especially if I forget to turn off visual as well.

 

13\. There are official disciplinary measures.  They do not include distributing red shirts.

 

14\. Or standing in the corner.

 

15\. The crew are my subordinates, not my royal subjects.

 

16\. Despite the various alien rituals I have participated in, none of my marriages are legally binding by Federation law, therefore, I will not refer to myself as ‘James T. Kirk, of the House of Surak, McCoy, McCoy, of the House of Surak, Scott, of the House of Surak, Sulu, McCoy, of the House of Surak, of the House of Surak, Giotto, of the House of Surak’.

 

17\. Starfleet has its own official drill procedures.  These do not include laser tag.

 

18\. Or paintball.

 

19\. Dancing is a wonderful shoreleave activity, but when people start sticking credit chips in my waistband, it is time to tone it down.

 

20\. If I do not know what it is, I will not eat it.

 

21\. If I do not know what it is, I will not drink it.

 

22\. If I do not know what it is, I will not touch it.

 

23\. If I do not know what it is, I will not flirt with it.

 

24\. I will show up for my physicals.

 

25\. I will not commandeer other officers’ quarters to avoid my physicals.

 

26\. That is a misuse of power and is still considered hiding like a coward.

 

27\. The Captain’s chair is to remain on the bridge. I cannot have it moved to my quarters.

 

28\. Food is not permitted on the bridge.

 

29\. I will stop attempting the Vulcan Neck Pinch, as it not a martial art that humans can perform reliably.

 

30\. The only person I have ever knocked out with the Vulcan Neck Pinch is myself, anyways.

 

31\. It is not appropriate to start check in communications while on away missions by saying “So I can explain this...”

 

32\. I will not stray from my approved notes during press conferences. Ever again.

 

33\. I will apologize to Starfleet Public Relations.

 

34\. What I do on shore leave reflects on Starfleet, therefore I will make sure I am out of uniform before I do so.

 

35\. I cannot authorize Casual Fridays.

 

36\. I am not allergic to paperwork.

 

37\. I will not wear a dress while on the bridge in protest of the uniform length and impracticality for female crew members.

 

38\. Even if I make sure it is a standard captain’s uniform.

 

39\. And the female crewmembers appreciated the gesture.

 

40\. And I have the legs to pull it off.

 

41\. I am not the head of the Secret Order of the Enterprise.

 

42\. I am not allowed to cede from the Federation to become the king of The Most Serene Floating Nation of Enterprisia.

 

43\. Neither am I allowed to claim the Enterprise as the flagship for my pirate armada.

 

44\. I am not allowed to form a pirate armada.

 

45\. I will not slip away from my security detail.

 

46\. I am not allowed to die.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed:  Captain James T. Kirk, Supreme Overlord of the Almighty Enterprise__

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, crazy times! Coming up next, does First Officer Spock need a wrist slapping? Depends! Does wrist slapping count as sexual harassment for Vulcans?


	2. Commander Spock of the House of Surak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There have been some concerns regarding the behavior of Cdr. Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still unbetaed. Still not mine. More's the shame.

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. I will not imply that my superiors are intellectually inferior to me... even if it is true.

 

2\. The proper way to deal with unruly crewmates or passengers (assuming they pose no immediate threat) is diplomacy.

 

3\. “Diplomacy” is not synonymous with “Vulcan neck pinch.”

 

4\. There is a very thin line between Science Officer and Mad Scientist.

 

5\. I will not cross this line.

 

6\. Again.

 

7\. Even if no laughter of any kind, maniacal or otherwise, was involved.

 

8\. The science staff are my subordinates, not test subjects.

 

9\. Even if they are willing in the name of science.

 

10\. I need more justification than  “It was illogical,” for disregarding an order.

 

11\. Vulcans do not lie.  Therefore, I shall not imply, exaggerate, misconstrue, deemphasize, or mislead.

 

12\. No one actually believes that I am unaware of the meanings of common human idioms after living amongst humans for years, and I should desist in attempting to perpetuate that misconception.

 

13\. I will not add “In accordance to the teachings of Surak,” to end of my answers to other officers.

 

14\. Surak did not have a teaching about ‘group bonding game nights’ or their avoidance.

 

15\. “I am Vulcan,” is not a viable excuse.

 

16\. Neither is “My father is an ambassador.”

 

17\. This is not to say that I would ever need an excuse.

 

18\. There are times when humans ask questions without actually wanting an answer.

 

19\. I will not antagonize the ship’s CMO.

 

20\. Technicalities may be embraced by Vulcan culture, but this is not the case with Starfleet.

 

21\. When logic fails to persuade the Captain to abandon his more illogical actions, it is not appropriate to simply pick him up and remove him from the situation.

 

22\. I will not play poker again, due to unfair advantage.

 

23\. I will no longer attempt to teach the Captain the Vulcan Neck Pinch.

 

24\. As First Officer, it is my job to discourage the Captain’s more outlandish ideas.  Even if they may provide him a valuable opportunity to learn better, or provide amusement.

 

25\. The flowers used in diplomatic functions are for decorative or cultural purposes, not consumption.  Therefore, I will refrain from “snacking.”

 

26\. I am encouraged to aid in the cleanup process following diplomatic functions.

 

27\. I will not have communications sent from the CMO to me rerouted to an address on the new Vulcan colony.

 

28\. Even if they are not high priority communications.

 

29\. Even if they technically reach the intended recipient.

 

30\. If I do not know what it is, I will not initiate a meld with it.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety.

Signed: Commander Spock of the House of Surak__________________________

 

(Addendum: Cdr. Spock would like to point out that because Starfleet padds do not contain Vulcan characters, he is not capable of signing with a true electronic signature.  Technically.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Starfleet might have a thing or two to say about Dr. McCoy's behavior... you'd be absolutely right! But you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out just what!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!


	3. Lieutenant Commander McCoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starfleet would like to remind Lt. Cdr. McCoy that this list is not to be disposed of or repurposed..... Like the last two sent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have no beta... they didn't have any at the pet store. Please Enjoy!

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. Bourbon is not a medical expense.

 

2\. Neither is whiskey.

 

3\. Nor any kind of alcohol aside from rubbing alcohol.

 

4\. I am a doctor, not a barkeeper.

 

5\. I am a doctor, not a betting window.

 

6\. I am a doctor, not a nanny.

 

7\. Everyone knows I am a Doctor and I do not need to keep reminding them.

 

8\. There is a difference between a Doctor and a Hypo Dispenser.

 

9\. I am not a Hypo Dispenser.

 

10\. I will follow the guidelines for bedside manner as defined by Starfleet Medical Regulations.

 

11\. I am not allowed to edit the Starfleet Medical definition of bedside manner.

 

12\. Even doctors need to get check-ups.

 

13\. I will remember this before I harass my staff so much.

 

14\. I have personal quarters assigned for sleeping, not the sickbay.

 

15\. Or the Chief Medical Officer’s office.

 

16\. Colloquialisms, adages, and traditional sayings do not belong in official reports.

 

17\. Making up fake sayings to confuse crewmembers from different cultural backgrounds is cruel.

 

18\. Even if I can’t understand every other word of technobabble that comes out of their mouth.

 

19\. I am not allowed to do medical procedures on myself, even if I don’t trust anyone else.

 

20\. I will not diagnose anyone with “Being a Little Whiner Syndrome.”

 

21\. It’s no better if I put “Being a Little Captain Whiner Syndrome.”

 

22\. I will not prescribe “A hefty dose of man the hell up.”

 

23\. I cannot withhold pain medication to teach someone a lesson in common sense.

 

24\. Punching superior officers to ‘test for reflexes’ is not acceptable.

 

25\. Saying “I hope I’m doing this right” to a patient is also not acceptable.

 

26\. I do not qualify as all of medical and therefore cannot prescribe myself anything

 

27\.  If I have to “take my own medicine” it will be what medical has prescribed me, not a mint julep.

 

28\. Declaring “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a janitor” is not an acceptable way to get out of cleaning up after a particularly messy procedure.

 

29\. I should remember rule number 7.  He already knew that when he gave the order.

 

30\. The phrase, “he’s dead,” should never be used as part of a practical joke.

 

31\. Telling someone “I’m sorry, he’s gone,” is not a good way to inform the captain that I kicked a crewmember out of the medbay for rule 20.

 

32\. “Don’t worry, this is how we did it back in Georgia,” is not a good way to reassure patients.

 

33\. Neither is “look how much my hands are shaking.”

 

34\. In fact, I should not attempt practical jokes at all.

 

35\. Patients on bed rest are not a captive audience for me to rant about the Captain’s latest idiot stunt to.

 

36\. Even if said patient is the Captain.

 

37\. There is no cure for ‘Annoying’.

 

38\. Although the best way to bring a Vulcan out of a healing trance is a few good smacks to the face, this does not need to be administered after the patient has regained consciousness.

 

39\. Assuming tribbles and humans have the same biological make up is silly, even if it did prove helpful in the Khan Incident.

 

40\. I cannot put up posters in the public areas of the Enterprise warning crewmen about dangerous alien foods, plant life, or ‘encounters.’

 

41\. I cannot make crewmen attend sexual safety seminars.

 

42\. I am not allowed to sell hangover hypos for profit.

 

43\. I am not allowed to invent imaginary diseases.

 

44\. The Medbay is not the Center of Biological Warfare.

 

45\. Hypos are for healing, not punishment.

 

Signed: ~~Nanny~~   ~~Barkeep~~   ~~Doctor~~ Lieutenant Commander Leonard H. McCoy _________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time Scotty's got to face his list, assuming they can drag him out from engineering long enough to look it over!
> 
>  
> 
> (Don't forget, feedback let's me know that I'm not just posting it into the void. If you get a giggle from this, please let me know in some way, shape, or form. It's appreciated more than you know!)


	4. Lieutenant Commander Scott

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lt. Cdr. Scott is required to review the following Starfleet expectations. Not asked to, required to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alpha, gamma, delta... huh, no beta!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has commented or kudo-ed! It really makes me feel like my writing's worth while. You're the best!

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. The laws of physics are not challenges.

 

2\. The engineering staff are my subordinates, not my minions.

 

3\. I will not attempt to make my own robotic minions.

 

4\. I will not use living subjects to test my theories without express permission from the Science Officer and extensive safety testing.

 

5\. Kilts are only considered to be dress code compliant when in formal dress.

 

6\. I am not authorized to change the official color of engineering uniforms to green.

 

7\. I am not authorized to change the official color of engineering uniforms to purple.

 

8\. I am not authorized to change the official color of engineering uniforms to orange.

 

9\. The official color of engineering uniforms is red, and as engineers are not routinely sent on away missions, I should stop trying to change it.

 

10\. I will not overfeed my tribble.

 

11\. I will not overfeed my tribble.

 

12\. I really swear I will not overfeed my tribble this time!

 

13\. Tribbles cannot be used as insulation.

 

14\. Chief Engineers cannot live on sandwiches alone.  Therefore, I will remember the nutritional guidelines the CMO set for me.

 

15\. Some things should not be made into sandwiches.

 

16\. I cannot marry the ship.

 

17\. Starting bar fights on shore leave is unbecoming of a Starfleet officer.

 

18\. No matter what the bloody wankers called the Enterprise.

 

19\. Modifications to the Enterprise must be authorized by Starfleet.

 

20\. Even if the Captain would pretend not to notice them.

 

21\. Lt. Keenser cannot authorize modifications.

 

22\. I will not build an illegal still in engineering.

 

23\. Especially not where it is visible during inspections.

 

24\. This time.

 

25\. Profits from “Enterprise Moon Shine” will not be used to subsidize my Starfleet salary.

 

26\. Neither will it be bartered for leave time or favorable shifts.

 

27\. Because there is no ‘Enterprise Moon Shine,’ of course.

 

28\. I will not train Admiral Archer’s beagle to sic the Admiralty.

 

29\. On that note, I will return Admiral Archer’s beagle to him.

 

30\. Not by transporter.

 

31\. I will never again program the replicators to put a shot of scotch in all beverages.

 

32\. This also goes for shots of espresso.

 

33\. No call to the bridge should start with, “You didn’t hear that loud bang sound, did you?”

 

34\. “Oops!” is never the appropriate response when asked to report.

 

35\. I will not do any drunk tinkering.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed: Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott____________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Certainly, out of the entire bridge crew, Lt. Uhura should be beyond reproach... right? You'll have to find out next chapter!
> 
> (If you've enjoyed this so far, please leave feedback! As always, you're all awesome!)


	5. Lieutenant Uhura

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lt. Uhura is reminded that as Chief Communications Officer, Starfleet is aware that this list was not lost in subspace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have run out of cute ways to say this is unbetaed. But it is.
> 
> Thank you again to all the awesome people who left feedback! You made this writer's day so much sunnier! :)

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. The universal translator is to be set to translate languages into Standard, not Ye Olde Piratical Speech.

 

2\. No matter what language I say it in, it is still not nice.

 

3\. The communications staff are my subordinates, not my secretaries.

 

4\. It is not within the scope of my job to monitor personal communications within the ship.

 

5\. I will not refer to myself as “Big Brother.”

 

6\. Or “Big Sister.”

 

7\. As a specialist in Alien Languages and Cultures, I know that there is no such thing as ‘Hug a Vulcan Day.’

 

8\. I will not make a shipwide announcement saying that it is ‘Hug a Vulcan Day.’

 

9\.  Just because I can match a personal dialect perfectly does not mean I should. Ens. Chekov is actually quite sensitive about his /v/ distortion speech impediment.

 

10\. There are many nonverbal languages, but I have better ways to express myself than certain gestures.

 

11\. I will not hog the mic at karaoke night.

 

12\. When I must translate my superior officers’ speech into an alien language, I will do so faithfully. I will not paraphrase, embellish, or purposefully misinterpret what they say.

 

13\. Even if the listeners find it hilarious.

 

14\. The universal translator is a sophisticated piece of equipment meant to facilitate communications between beings of different cultures.  I will not use it to make crewmen sound like the opposite gender.

 

15\. Or like they have been breathing Helium.

 

16\. I will not teach away teams how to swear in the local languages.

 

17\. Pig Latin is not an official Federation language.

 

18\. I will not tell anyone that Pig Latin is the official language of Tellarite.

 

19\. They may believe me.

 

20\. I will not change the hailingtone of the Enterprise to any song, modern or classic.

 

21\. I am the Head of Communications for the Enterprise, not the ‘Enterprise Gossip Guru.’

 

22\. I will not answer communications in rhyme.

 

23\. I will not do this anytime.

 

24\. I shall not tell crewmen that the local phrase for “Please smack my bottom,” means “Hello, nice to meet you,” in Standard.

 

25\. The shipwide communications system is not to be used to provide missions with a soundtrack.

 

26\. I may not block transmissions from admirals.  Even if they have been rude with me.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed: Lieutenant Big Sister Uhura___________________________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... there's a list for Sulu too! You'll just have to check to find out what's on it!
> 
>  
> 
> (I hope you got a laugh out of this. If you did, give me some feedback to let me know! Thank you, lovelies!)


	6. Lieutenant Sulu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We feel that Lt. Sulu should be aware that this list is not to be used for target practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has not been betaed. ...What? I told you last chapter I ran out of cute ways to say it.
> 
> My love goes out to everyone who's left me feedback! Actually, it goes out to everyone who's read this at all, but without feedback I don't know where to send it. I truly appreciate it!

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. Just because I see another ship does not mean I need to race it.

 

2\. Evasive maneuvers are for combat situations, not for showboating.

 

3\. Discussions of “swords” and “fencing” are inappropriate on the bridge.

 

4\. Everyone already knows my sword is a grower.

 

5\. The ‘fair maidens’ of this ship can defend themselves just fine without my help.

 

6\. “He called me ‘Tiny!’” is not an acceptable excuse for starting a fist fight.

 

7\. Or a diplomatic incident.

 

8\. I will not buzz a city with a shuttle to impress the locals and the ladies.

 

9\. I will not pull over for hitchhikers.

 

10\. There are no hitchhikers in space.

 

11\. The weapons of the USS Enterprise are to be used only in combat situations when all other options are exhausted.  Not for making awesome explosions in space.

 

12\. I cannot perform a study on the different types of space explosions.

 

13\. I will not make my own sound effects while piloting.

 

14\. Although my contributions to the botanical department are highly valued, I will not name any alien species or new hybrid species of plant ‘Audrey II.’

 

15\. I will test all plant life for allergens before bringing it into the Enterprise greenhouse.

 

16\. I am a Starfleet officer, not a stormtrooper.

 

17\. The Jolly Roger is not the flag of the Federation.

 

18\. I will not challenge anyone to a duel.

 

19\. Photon torpedoes are not filled with magic and the suppressed emotions of Vulcans, and I will not tell new recruits this.

 

20\. Maneuvers have actual designations, not ‘the Swoopy Swishy One.’

 

21\. I will not attempt maneuvers that ‘I saw in this great old movie, once.’

 

22\. I will remember the parking brake.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed: Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu___________________________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surely no one could find fault with sweet Chekov! Right? Well, never trust the innocent ones! You'll see what I mean next chapter.
> 
> (If you're out there, and you found this amusing, send me a sign! Some feedback would be much appreciated.)


	7. Ensign Chekov + Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starfleet is aware that Ens. Chekov is fluent in both spoken and written Standard and can therefore read this list despite not being written in Russian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we end as we started... unbetaed. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's stuck with me thus far!

 

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. I will remember that I am 17, and will not attempt to engage in activities I am not of the legal age to do.

 

2\. Genius is a gift and I will not use it to count cards.

 

3\. I will plot routes so they are the quickest, safest, and most efficient paths to our destinations.  Not the most challenging.

 

4\. I will not plot courses so they spell out words.

 

5\. I cannot plot unauthorized pit stops.

 

6\. Sometimes, just because I can do that, does not mean I should.

 

7\. I will not refer to my commanding officers as “Mom and Dad.”

 

8\. I will not claim new planets in the name of Russia.

 

9\. Transporters are not toys and I should not listen to Lt Cdr. Scott when he tells me otherwise.

 

10\. I am not the USS Enterprise mascot.

 

11\. Tribbles are not for throwing.

 

12\. I will not start a “tribble fight.”

 

13\. I will not use tribbles to reenact famous battles from russian history.

 

14\. I will try to use the facilities as quickly as possible when potentially dangerous, highly irritable strangers are aboard the enterprise.

 

15\. Shipwide announcements should not be “Hold on for the ride!”

 

16\. I am to refer to more experienced officers as “Sir,” if they are my superiors, or their rank if they are my inferiors.  Not “Grandpa.”

 

17\. Tribbles are not to be given burials in space and I will not commandeer any airlocks to do so.

 

18\. Vodka is not a standard part of away team packs.

 

19\. If medical tells me to drink more water, they do not mean vodka.

 

20\. Rank is not determined by IQ.

 

21\. I will not tell new recruits that the Enterprise can transform into a giant battle space robot to deal with especially large lifeforms.

 

22\. I will not replicate 25 tons of snow so I can show people what a real winter is like in any of the rec rooms.

 

23\. I should not tell away teams going to cold climates that it is good luck to lick metal objects in the snow.

 

24\. Playing tetris during long shifts of duty on the bridge is frowned upon.

 

25\. I am not allowed to have a tribble cover my shift.

 

26\. Even if we are only doing routine work.

 

27\. The difference will be noticed.

 

28\. If the Captain, Lt. Sulu, and I all decide that something would be “awesome” to try, I should not do it.

 

29\. I will not spend on duty time changing the markings on Starfleet products to say ‘Made in Russia.’

 

30\. Even if I was only correcting their obvious misprints.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed: Ensign Pavel A. Chekov_____________________________________

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

The following rules have been set forth by Starfleet:

 

1\. I will get down from there.

 

I hereby swear to abide by the above stated rules in their entirety. 

Signed: Lieutenant Keenser of Royla__________________________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed your bonus Keenser!
> 
> A huge 'Thank You!' and a heart-full of love to everyone who has read my work! I hope this brought a little extra joy to your life. Know that every little bit of feed back I've gotten has brought joy to mine. Smooth sailing!


End file.
